


Betrayal

by mrslilyrogers



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cheating, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:34:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23447848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrslilyrogers/pseuds/mrslilyrogers
Summary: Set in New York. You and Bucky have been married for 5 years. He’s the love of your life and you are his. At least, you thought you were until he started slipping away from you, coming home late and smelling of another woman’s perfume? You are in denial. Are you just losing your mind or are you really losing him?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers & Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 38
Kudos: 187





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm very new at this and this is my first ever work I'm posting online. I just couldn’t get the idea out of my head and would like to share it! Inspired by Sam Smith's I'm not the only one. I don't know with any of you but angsty fics always make me feel better and writing this has been therapeutic, lol. Please let me know what you think! I hope you enjoy! :)
> 
> Check out my tumblr @ mrslilyrogers 
> 
> My works are only to be posted here or there! Thank you!!

She turned in bed flinging her arm out expecting Bucky to be beside her as her groggy mind pulled her back into sleep, only to have her hand bounce back on the empty mattress. Her arm fished farther out, trying to find him in the dark but still, it was empty. Confused, she slowly opened her eyes to blink the sleep away, he wasn’t home. She shot up as the realization hit her and glanced at the clock, its red glaring lights mocking her. 4:25 AM. 

_Bucky didn’t come home._

She swallowed as a lump formed in her throat. The first few nights he kept coming home late, she waited for him, asked how his day was, what took him so long at work and he’d usually dismiss her with a kiss and her favorite crooked smile as he cuddled up to her in bed making her forget all her worries. Even up until now, after five years of being married, he still had that effect on her. One glance her way with his smirk and she’d still feel her heart flip inside her chest. Whenever he hoisted Lizzie up in the air making her giggle, Y/N was sure her heart was shining in her eyes as she watched them. 

And now this. 

She knew the first time he told her not to wait up, something was off. He kept coming home later than usual and when he did come home, he smelled of alcohol and as much as Y/N would like to deny it, perfume. A perfume that distinctly wasn’t hers. Instead of confronting him about it, she denied it to herself, closing herself off to the truth that was becoming more and more obvious as the days went on. Instead, she took extra efforts to please him, waking up early to cook his favorite breakfast, preparing his favorite dishes for dinner even though he barely came home for it, trying to pass by his office at lunch so they could spend time together. All the while hoping he would stay and come back to her, come back to being her Bucky. 

She wiped the tears that started to drip down her eyes. _“Where did it all go wrong? What have I done to deserve this?”_ A sob came out as soon as she allowed herself to accept the truth. She brought her knees up to her chest and buried her face in between, hugging herself, trying to make herself as small as possible as sobs wracked her body. She cried for Bucky, cried for their family, cried for herself because somewhere in the process, she lost her pride and accepted whatever affection he could afford to give her, like a dog trying to please its owner, and never demanding what she deserved. She might have stayed like that for an hour or more but she knew that if she continued on, Lizzie would wake up and find her mother crying her eyes out and that’s the last thing she wanted. Lizzie, oh god, Lizzie what was she going to do with her sweet daughter? She could accept Bucky cheating on her, neglecting her even but for their daughter, it was unacceptable, she was only four, she did not deserve this. Yet, she was the collateral damage to the shambles of their marriage. The thought made her head hurt, she scrambled out of bed, needing to do something or she’d wallow in self pity and she needed to be strong for her daughter, _always for her daughter_ , even if it meant living in a delusion to keep her family together. She heard footsteps at the stairs of their apartment and quickly grabbed her phone by the bedside table and ran to the bathroom. She leaned against the door, sighing, listening to him shuffling in the bedroom. 

“Y/N, you in there? Sorry, fell asleep on Steve’s couch.” Bucky called from the door, no trace of guilt in his voice. Y/N just closed her eyes and sighed. 

“About to take a bath!” She replied and checked her phone. No messages from him whatsoever that he’d be at Steve’s apartment. She quickly tried to hide her hurt to take on the day. _For her sanity, for Lizzie_ , the mantra kept repeating itself in her head. 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Mommy, why can’t I have cereal?” Lizzie whined from her seat at the counter as Y/N poured her orange juice. 

“Yeah, why can’t she have cereal?” Bucky strode in playfully, the scent of his after shave filling Y/N’s senses, making tears prick at her eyes. She quickly turned around and faced the coffee pot, pouring more into her mug. She couldn’t stand to be near him after accepting the truth. She couldn’t face their situation, not yet. 

“Daddy!” Lizzie chirped, already lifting her arms for a hug from her self-proclaimed superhero dad. 

“How’s my little girl this morning?” He said lifting her up and kissing her cheek which only made her giggle. 

“Eat your vegetables, squirt.” Bucky reminded her a little more seriously but with a charming smile nonetheless, and Lizzie, who worships the ground he walks on, eagerly nibbled on the beans from her plate trying to please him. _Just like her mother_ , Y/N thought sarcastically. 

She was still turned away from the counter when she felt Bucky sidling up behind her, his arms snaking around her waist, pulling her in to kiss her hair. 

“Morning, babe,” 

“Morning Buck,” She cleared her throat and moved away from him, standing in front of her daughter who was eating her breakfast far more enthusiastically than when her dad wasn’t around. God, this was a mess, what was she going to do? Lizzie clearly adored her father and if she were being honest with herself, she didn’t know how to live without Bucky. 

Bucky saw the glassy look in Y/N’s eyes as she stared at their daughter, her hands fiddling in front of her and he instantly knew it was on him. He brought that look on her face, guilt and remorse punched him in the gut. 

“Hey,” he said soothingly putting his hand on her back as he was about to apologize about last night. 

“Lizzie, drink your juice, daddy will bring you to school,” Y/N flinched away from him, starting to flee the room. 

“I gotta go,” She told him, grabbing her bag from the counter, and kissing their daughter on the cheek before heading out. She didn’t glance at him or give him his kiss goodbye like she usually did and instead, avoided looking at him. He froze, feeling the fear creep up on him. She didn’t know, did she? 

“Bye Mommy!” Lizzie waved from her chair as Y/N got to the door. She turned around with a genuine smile on her face. God, she was beautiful when she smiled like that, and he missed it, he missed her and he hadn’t even realized it. 

“Bye baby,” she said as she blew her a kiss. She cleared her throat and her expression blanked when she turned to him. 

“Buck, don’t forget to pick her up today,”

“Today?” She usually picked Lizzie up from school, being the owner of a quaint little cafe, Winter Bakery, giving her the flexibility in schedule to do so. He had work to do and he was gonna meet up with Celeste around that time. The immediate thought of the woman he was seeing brought shame and guilt to his conscience, making him lash out at her. 

“I can’t, you know I have work,” he said a little too accusingly. 

Y/N just closed her eyes and exhaled harshly, trying to reign in her control. 

“Daddy, don’t you want to pick me up?” Lizzie asked a little too sadly and Bucky felt all his anger vanish as he saw his little girl’s face.

“Of course not, sweetie, I just--” 

“Bucky, we’ve been through this, I’m trying to land this catering gig for Stark, remember?” Y/N’s defeated voice rose above his and he immediately felt sorry, god, he was the worst husband. 

Sure, it was just a little get together for the birthday of Tony Stark’s daughter but it was a big deal to Y/N. She had met Pepper in Lizzie’s school as they waited for their pre-schoolers to be dismissed and instantly became friends. At first, Y/N was starstruck with Pepper especially when she discovered that she was a hands-on mom, while running Stark Industries at the same time but she was such a down-to-earth woman matched with a witty sense of humor that it was hard to lose any topic of conversation with her. Of course, it helped that Lizzie and Morgan had become the best of friends even on just the first day of school. Next thing they knew, they were spending play dates at the bakery when the girls insisted on hanging out. That’s when Pepper discovered Y/N’s cupcakes and raved to Tony that, “they were absolutely the best she’s ever had”. Of course with Tony being Tony, wanting only the best for his daughter, set up a taste test meeting for his daughter’s birthday, insisting on trying every single flavor of cake and cupcake she could make, and not just a take-out of the best sellers, like Pepper had suggested. They weren’t just going to settle for the best sellers like some sheep following the herd. “His words, not mine” Pepper had said and having the Tony Stark to be Y/N’s first customer for her first ever catering gig would mean a lot for her business. Only recently has she decided to expand it and she felt like she’s talked Bucky’s ears off with her plans and here he was, seemingly having forgotten the day she’s most talked about. She wasn’t even angry with him, she was just disappointed and not even a little bit surprised. 

“Oh shit, babe, I’m sorry I forgot,” Bucky immediately went to her and enveloped her in a hug and she hated herself for loving the feel of his arms around her.

“Promise, I’ll make it up to you,” he whispered but she didn’t believe him, she was over his empty promises.

“Just pick Lizzie up,” She said before she left the door with not a glance back.


	2. Chapter 2

Hoots of laughter sounded from the living room as Y/N entered the apartment. Her heart sang at the thought of Bucky spending time with his daughter, maybe their marriage was salvageable, maybe she was overreacting and Bucky has really just been busy lately, maybe he realized he’s been ignoring--- her thoughts ended abruptly when she saw Steve and Lizzie on the couch, popcorn in between them, and watching Lizzie’s favorite movie, clearly Steve’s attempt at trying to cheer her daughter up from her father being too busy to pick her up from school. Never mind that both Bucky and Steve had the same jobs --both managing directors for the world’s largest investment banking company, Shield-- which meant that if Steve could afford to pick Lizzie up, then Bucky sure as hell could too. 

“Y/N!” Steve said rising from his seat.

“Mommy!” Lizzie rushed to greet her mom with the biggest hug she could muster and Y/N immediately scooped her up, hugging her back, “Hey, you!”

Steve stood behind them and waited until the little monkey suddenly shifted from her mother, opened her arms and clung to him instead. He took her from Y/N with one arm as he greeted her with a kiss on the cheek.

“You spoil her too much, Rogers” Y/N said as she rolled her eyes, ignoring the barely concealed concerned look on his face. 

“And how are you too, Y/N? How’s your meeting with Stark?” Steve asked teasingly, trying to lighten her mood.

“Oh you know,” She pretended to hedge around her answer before she excitedly exclaimed, “I got it!” 

Steve’s smile suddenly lit up like a christmas tree, grinning from ear to ear as he enveloped her into a bear hug with Lizzie still in his arm. When he let go, he saw the flash of sadness cross her eyes before she beamed up at him again and recounted her meeting with the Tony Stark. How come Steve remembered her big meeting and Bucky couldn’t? The question nagged at the back of her mind as she chose to ignore it, focusing on her win for the day. 

“Bucky couldn’t leave work, he has a meeting. But he said he’ll see you at dinner,” Steve said apologetically bringing her daughter down as she scrambled back to her movie. 

“Right, and he couldn’t have texted that huh,” As soon as the words left her lips, she felt bad. It wasn’t Steve’s fault. The guy was practically an angel, leaving work early to pick her daughter up. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring you into this, Thanks for bringing Lizzie home,” she apologized quickly.

“Hey, Y/N, it’s fine. Are you guys alright?” 

“Steve, will you be honest with me?” Y/N wrung her hands as she guided Steve to the staircase, bringing them away from her daughter. 

“Do you know what’s going on with Bucky?” She asked, finally letting it out in the open. Steve is Bucky’s best friend since childhood and it would be stupid of her to ask her husband’s best friend if it were any other guy, but it was Steve, and he was the noblest person she knew. Loyalty to Bucky or no, he would tell her the truth. 

“What do you mean? I haven’t really seen him lately, I’ve been in California for the past week…” 

That’s when she stopped listening, California in the past week? Bucky couldn’t even have formed a better lie for last night. Did he really think she wouldn’t find out? Was that how little he thought of her, he didn’t even try his best not to be caught. A dry laugh escaped her lips as she shook her head. Unbelievable.

“Hey, Y/N, are you okay?” Steve asked, bringing her back to reality. 

"Oh yeah just fine, Steve, sorry, do you wanna stay for dinner? I’m gonna start cooking,”

Steve shifted his weight between both feet, clearly uncomfortable by her change in mood. 

“Uh, I don’t know, it’s alright--”

“Stay for dinner,” Y/N said since surely she’d be making too much food for just two people again. 

“Lizzie would sure love to have her favorite uncle to annoy the whole time,” she suggested teasingly to which he exhaled in relief, glad that the tension left and they were back on safer topics. 

“Well if you put it that way, then of course, who says no to your cooking anyway?” He replied jokingly while she laughed bitterly and headed to the kitchen with Steve jogging back to the sofa to finish the movie. _Well, my husband apparently._

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Steve, Lizzie and Y/N were all huddled at the dining table, each enjoying Y/N’s famous molten lava cake as Steve regaled Lizzie of his and Bucky’s childhood exploits, telling her how he used to be picked on a lot and how Bucky was always the one who saved him. One in particular involved a pretty girl, Steve losing his inhaler, and Bucky walking home missing a shoe had Lizzie in a fit of giggles. 

“But Uncle Steve, you’re the best!” Lizzie explained with chocolate all over her mouth, laughing and shaking her head as if not believing his tale. 

Bucky heard the shouts and laughter from the kitchen, his daughter practically worshipping her Uncle Steve as he entered the apartment. His brows immediately shot up, Steve stayed? He didn’t know what to expect when he decided to come home earlier than usual and told Celeste he couldn’t stay the night. If he were honest, shouts and laughter were the last thing on his mind. He had expected them to wait up on him and his daughter running up to greet him as he went through the door as she usually did before. Before he met Celeste, _before he got bored of his family._ God, he was such an ass. He told himself it would only be one night then one night turned into another and another and next thing he knew, he was more excited to see her than to see his wife. 

He entered the kitchen with flowers in his hand, intending to make it up to Y/N but the sight that greeted him cut him short. There they were looking like a family, Steve at the head of the table, his seat, with his wife and daughter on either side of him, enjoying their desert while Lizzie stood on her chair, arms extended, regaling them of her dance class at school. Y/N immediately shot her hand out to Lizzie’s arm, sitting her back down as Steve laughed at them. 

“Lizzie, you’re going to fall,” She tried to reprimand seriously but couldn’t hold in her laugh. He hadn’t seen her laugh like that in a long while. 

“Steve, see? I told you we shouldn’t have given her desert,” she huffed out.

“Well, you can’t invite me for dinner and not feed me one of your delicious cakes, besides, there’s a cause for celebration!” It was impossible not to get infected by Steve’s bright smile, and she immediately found herself smiling in return until they heard someone clear his throat. 

“Daddy!” Lizzie exclaimed as she jumped from her seat, running to give her dad a hug. 

“Bucky? You’re home?” Y/N said dumbfoundedly. 

“How are you, Princess?” Bucky ignored Y/N’s shocked expression as he picked his daughter up, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. 

“Uncle Steve is here!”

“Hey Buck,” Steve greeted from his seat as he scooped out the last bits of his cake before he stood up.

“I should probably get going, Y/N thanks so much for dinner, haven’t had a good home cooked meal for a while and your cooking is always the best,” he said with a genuine smile but Y/N saw right through it. 

“You want to bring home the leftovers, don’t you?” 

“Yes, definitely!” Steve said, chuckling, as Y/N went to kitchen, presumably to grab containers for Steve, without acknowledging Bucky.

“Hey man, how was the office?” Steve asked a little too suspiciously. He always knew when something was up with Bucky and now he looked at him assessingly as if he found something he couldn't quite put his finger on. 

“Just had to finish the report I told you about,”

“Uncle Steve, why are you leaving so early?” Lizzie whined from her position on her father’s arm. Her head resting on his chest as her arms wrapped around him. 

“It’s almost your bedtime, little lady,” He booped her nose as he replied while she giggled and buried her head in her father’s shoulder.

“Lizzie, you’re spreading chocolate over daddy’s shirt,” Bucky watched as his daughter shifted her face around his shoulder, trying find a comfortable position as her eyelids grew heavy. It brought a smile to his face, his daughter was beyond adorable. 

“What chocolate?”

“The one on your face,” 

“Do not have chocolate on my face,” She argued sleepily.

“Sweetie, you do it’s all over,”

“Do not,”

“Do too!”

“Do not!” This time she huffed angrily with her eyes closed, it was the cutest thing in the world to Bucky which made both him and Steve chuckle. 

“Here you go Steve,” Y/N came back, handing him the bags of leftover. 

“Aww, Y/N, you’re an angel,” Steve tried to inconspicuously look for something in the bags but failed in his friend’s eyes. It still bothered Y/N how, for a guy who commands so much attention from any room he walks in, with his golden brown hair, baby blue eyes and perfect skin, he still tries to be subtle. There was nothing subtle about his looks and the way he moves gives the impression that he had no idea the effect he has on others, or simply that he didn’t care. The girls, Nat, Wanda and Y/N always teased him about it, especially in college, when he had been oblivious with the way women stared at him left and right. To them, he was simply Steve Rogers but other people looked up to him, with his commanding voice and gentle advice. He was the best friend any girl could ever ask for and Y/N was thankful for him especially tonight when she didn’t know if she should celebrate for her business’ success or cry for Bucky. 

“Yes, there’s a lava cake in there too. Just pop that in the oven before you eat it,” Y/N had made sure to make extra for him, knowing it was his favorite. 

“Oh Bucky, your wife’s the best!” Steve replied, giving him a clap to the shoulder. _If only he’d notice_ , Y/N thought bitterly to herself before Steve gave her a side hug and kissed her cheek. 

“Bye Y/N, thanks for the food again! See you tomorrow, Bucky,” 

“Bye, man,” 

“Bye, Uncle Steve,” Lizzie mumbled, as she waved blindly around, clearly, fighting her sleep to say bye to her favorite uncle. 

“Bye sweetheart,” Steve said as he gently patted her head and left. 

As soon as the door closed and they were left alone, the awkwardness settled in. Bucky looked to her, flowers still in one hand, with Lizzie sleeping on his arm. 

“How was your day?” Bucky asked, breaking the silence. 

“I got it, Tony loved the red velvet,” 

“Wow! First name basis now huh, I knew you’d get it, I got these for you,” He gave her a genuine smile as he handed her the tulips, her favorite. She should’ve loved it, but she hated it now, it was a reminder of how awkward they had become. Back then, whenever he came home from work with her tulips, she would’ve jumped on him and gave him a kiss, telling him she missed him and how her day went without his prompting. He would’ve said he missed her too and told her about work but now, here they were, standing feet apart from each other, not knowing what to say. She didn’t have it in her to act like the wife she was. How could she hug him knowing where he’d been? 

“Thank you. Are you hungry? I left some food on the table,” 

Bucky clenched his jaw, knowing he was late, Celeste had unexpectedly shown up at his office even though she knew it was off-limits and he had to get rid of her. The whole day he’d been looking forward to spend time with his family and even ordered Y/N’s flowers in the morning for tonight but lately, Celeste had gotten clingy and needy, expecting more than he could give her when she knew from the start, their relationship was only ever going to be a purely physical one. 

“Yes, I thought I said I’d go home for dinner,” he replied grudgingly.

“Uhm, no Steve told me you’d go home for dinner. Why couldn’t you have given me a call anyway? Or even a text?” Y/N felt her hackles rise, he didn’t have the right to be annoyed right now. 

“Does it matter? She got picked up, she’s here, and it looks like you and Steve started without me anyway,”

“Bucky, you came home at 8:30, you do know your daughter is just 4,” She explained exasperatedly, pointing at the sleeping Lizzie on his arm to prove her point. 

He let out a defeated sigh, “I got caught up at work, I’ll tuck her in,” 

“Uh huh,” She watched as he walked up the stairs of their two-floor apartment and her heart broke again at that stupid lie he kept telling her and that she kept accepting. When Bucky went back down, she just finished loading the dishwasher and washing the pots and pans. “Would you just add your plates when you’re done and start it? I’m gonna head up,”

“Of course,” Bucky replied as he watched her walk up the stairs to their room, thinking where the hell had they gone wrong. He missed her, he really did. The old Y/N would’ve fought and argued with him as soon as he finished tucking Lizzie in and he would’ve relented, accepted his fault and apologized, then she would’ve accompanied him for dinner and told him excitedly how her meeting went. He would’ve told her just how proud he is of her. He got lost in his thoughts as he stared down at his food. Damn, she even made Steve’s favorite pot roast. He knew she had been trying to fix things for a while, but now, she seemed distant and cold like she was finally giving up on him and it was his fault, he knew that too. He just didn’t know what to do, how to fix things. So as usual, he did what he did best, took a swig of his beer, and buried himself in denial. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! We get a little more background with Bucky and Y/N here! We also get to meet some of their friends!! Hope you enjoy! :)

It was a warm, sunny day as Y/N, dressed in her favorite blue sundress, walked the streets of New York. She lifted her face up to the sky and smiled. It had been so long since she felt good about herself. The weather helped in getting her out of her slump but it was mostly because of her friends, Nat and Wanda, who insisted on having an impromptu girls night the night before. She decided not to tell them about her problems with Bucky as she didn’t want them to change the way they looked at him. They were a closely-knit group of college friends after all, a family. Besides, she still had no idea what to do. It was one thing to accept it in her head but her heart couldn’t seem to agree and add that to the fact that Nat would’ve probably told Clint, which wouldn’t have ended well. 

So, for a night, she decided to put all her insecurities about her marriage on pause while she caught up with her friends, particularly Nat. She was the one who had insisted they go out because she had big news to tell and it turned out it was huge, she was finally pregnant! She and her husband, Bruce, had been trying for years so this was a huge deal for her. She was scared though, having gone through miscarriages in the past. The girls were quick to assure her that everything would turn out well, sure that they would be having a tiny, little redhead kicking butts in their family soon. Nat had laughed and told them it might as well be a baby who could spew equations before it could even walk. She then turned serious and made them promise not to tell anyone since she hasn’t even told Bruce yet, pointedly looking at Y/N, when she specifically mentioned the boys, Bucky, Steve and Clint. Y/N wanted to tell her that wouldn’t be a problem since she barely talked to Bucky but kept her mouth shut instead. _No thinking of Bucky tonight, no thinking of Bucky tonight_ , she had reminded herself over and over until they fell back into reminiscing about their lives at college. It was still so mind boggling how far they’ve come from their days of drinking cheap beer from the bar across their university. 

——————————————————————————————-

_Bucky had his arm wrapped around Y/N’s shoulder while his other held a bottle of beer poised at his lips, he couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him as they watched their friend, Clint, make his way up to the girl at the bar._

_“He is shooting himself in the foot. He’s drunk, he wouldn’t be able to get on with her,” Wanda skeptically told the group, looking horrified._

_“Oh come on, Wanda, have a little faith,” Nat tsked as she laughed, knowing the odds were against her best friend but found the situation hilarious and so she had egged him on._

_“Nat, you are evil!” Y/N pitched in._

_“This is really bad,” Steve said, shaking his head when Clint started making gestures of shooting an arrow in the air, then clutching his heart, probably giving out the cheesiest pick up line ever. Bucky just shook his head and laughed._

_“Did he just pretend to be shot by an arrow through the heart? Why does he always end up giving the cheesiest pick up lines when he’s drunk?” Y/N laughingly asked in disbelief._

_“Well, why not, it works when I do it to you?” Bucky teased her, a spark in his eye._

_“No, it really doesn’t, Buck,” Y/N denied, smiling at him indulgently. Bucky made a move as if his phone was ringing, he picked it up and pretended to be in a call while his friends continued to watch Clint make an ass of himself._

_“Babe,” He suddenly looked serious as he turned at her._

_“Hm?” Y/N looked back at him, dragging her attention away from the spectacle in front of them._

_“Cupid just called. He told me to tell you to give me my heart back.”_

_“Oh my god, Bucky, I swear, that’s so bad! That’s the worst you’ve ever said,” Y/N cringed and jokingly moved his face away from hers. Steve chuckled from his place while Nat and Wanda cringed in disbelief._

_“Wow, you’re worse than Clint,” Wanda interjected, taking a sip from her beer, while Bucky ignored her._

_“Ugh, I love that laugh! You know the only thing I wanna change about you?” Bucky asked again._

_“What?” Y/N replied on a long sigh, knowing it would be best to just ride this out._

_“Your last name,” Bucky replied, looking a little more serious as he stared into her eyes. He swore he only said it as a joke but as he thought on it, he knew it deep in his gut. This was the girl he was going to marry. He looked at her softly, letting out a breath, a gentle smile playing on his lips. Y/N tried to look indignant and scoffed it off to keep their banter light but the look in his eyes sent a flush running from her neck to her face. She shook her head softly, the corners of her mouth tilting up before she leaned in and kissed him, putting a hand behind his neck to drag him down, Bucky’s hands settling on her waist, pulling her closer. Someone in the table wolf-whistled and they broke off with a laugh._

_“Well, I’m gonna go get Clint, I actually feel bad for that girl,” Nat had said before giving a wink to the couple and strutting out of the table._

_“I’m gonna get a beer, you guys want some?” Wanda chimed in after finishing the last drops from her glass._

_“I’ll go with you,” Y/N said, giving a kiss to Bucky’s cheek, before standing up herself._

_Steve looked at Bucky, a knowing smile on his face, this was the happiest he’s seen his best friend._

_“Your pick-up lines work huh?” He teased._

_“I’m gonna marry that girl, Steve,” Bucky said as he watched her link her arms with Wanda at the bar, a smile cracking up her face when she looked back at him._

——————————————————————————————-

“Well, someone’s in a good mood,” Someone from her right told her when she reached Lizzie’s school with five minutes to spare until the little rascal was released.

“Tony! How are you?” She said, giving him a hug, surprised to see him here.

“Good, good. You know, same old, the missus bossing me around to leave my lab every once in a while to run her errands,” he raised the grocery bag he was holding to show her. It was incredibly sweet how they choose to run their household themselves, when they could probably have servants at their disposal.

“Figured I could pick Morgan up since I’m already out,”

“Aww, that’s sweet. You know, Lizzie’s been bugging me about this camping trip with Morgan?”

“Oh right that! Didn’t I message you about it? I’m bringing the family out camping the next weekend. Lizzie should come! That’s all Morgan ever really talks about,”

Y/N was a bit starstruck at how she’s literally brushing elbows with the Starks and how big of a deal it was that she was hand picked by Tony to cater for his beloved daughter’s birthday. One look at that man and anyone would know he was clearly smitten by her.

“Well, that sounds like fun! And thanks for inviting Lizzie but I’ll have to think about it. She’s never really had a sleepover yet, and she’ll have to ask her dad too,” Y/N couldn’t imagine letting Lizzie out of her sight for a weekend, she didn’t think she’d be able to sleep out of worry, god, why did they have to grow up so fast?

“Shit!” came a little girl’s voice and they both turned around to see Morgan and Lizzie running up to them.

“Shit, she remembers,” Tony muttered under his breath as Y/N tried to hide her giggle. She bent down to give her daughter a kiss on the cheek while Lizzie automatically held her hand.

“What did I tell you about saying that word?” Tony immediately asked his daughter, picking her up with a kiss to the cheek. 

“To say it came from Mommy,” Tony’s eyes bulged out as Morgan smiled at him proudly for remembering what he probably said as a joke.

“You’re too smart for your own good, squirt. But don’t say that word again, or Mommy will have our heads? Okay?” Morgan nodded cheerfully and waved at Y/N, “Hi Y/N!” She wiggled herself off her dad’s arms and linked her hands to Lizzie’s, who was still shyly staring at Tony, not knowing what to do.

“Lizzie, that’s my daddy!” Morgan enthusiastically said as she pointed at her dad.

“Hello, Lizzie I’m Tony, it’s nice to finally meet you,” Tony knelt down and offered his hand to her. She eagerly nodded her head and shook his hand.

“Daddy, that’s my best friend Lizzie!” Morgan chimed in.

“I know, sweetie, you never stop talking about her,” which made Lizzie lose her shyness and let out a giggle.

“You said I was gonna meet your daddy too but now you met mine first!” Morgan told Lizzie and Y/N felt her back stiffen at that. Had Lizzie been excitedly waiting to show off her dad to her friends, only to have him not show up?

“But you met Uncle Steve! He’s the coolest,”

Morgan eagerly agreed with a resounding “Yes!” And the two fell into conversation of just how awesome uncle Steve was with Lizzie taking the lead and Morgan brightly agreeing to every word she said. Y/N wondered how Steve could’ve even managed to charm Morgan, from their probably brief encounter when he picked Lizzie up. She chalked it up to just Steve being Steve, he probably charmed the pants off anybody, no matter the age.

“Now even I wanna meet Prince Charming,” Tony chimed in to Y/N and she just shook her head and laughed, still watching the girls’ animated conversation.

“Squirt, we gotta get going. What do you say, let’s get some ice cream and bring it to mom?” Tony picked up the bouncing Morgan after she gave her best friend a hug goodbye. She chatted about what flavors to get as they all waved at each other and parted ways.

“Bye, Tony!” Lizzie waved back at them when Y/N led her away.

“Bye Liz, it was nice to meet you, kid! Y/N text you about the camping trip! Think about it!” Tony waved back.

“Will do!” Y/N shouted over her shoulder with a smile.

“Mommy, could I please go? Please!” Lizzie turned to her with the cutest puppy dog eyes she’s ever seen. Her hands clasped under her chin, begging.

“Baby, you gotta ask your dad,” 

“Oh! Can we get ice cream with daddy?” Lizzie bounced up and down as inspiration struck her.

Y/N tried not to look uncomfortable, she was scared to let her daughter down but odds are he wouldn’t pick up if he saw her name flashing on the screen.

“I don’t know, daddy’s working, Lizzie. But we could get ice cream if you want.”

“Please, Mommy! Can I call daddy?” Lizzie begged and there was nothing Y/N could do but to relent.

“Lizzie, he might be busy okay?” She tried to dissuade her as she eagerly grabbed the phone from her mom as soon as the ringing started, her smile not faltering when no one answered on the other line. She extended the phone back, asking her mom to call again which she reluctantly did. After the second call ended, Lizzie looked up to her mom with the sweet smile still on her face, completely oblivious, and simply just said, “Oh daddy’s busy, can we call Uncle Steve instead?”

“We might disturb him, baby, he’s at work,”

“Please, mommy, just one call,” Y/N still couldn’t say no to her face and she quickly switched the call to Steve.

“Y/N, what’s up?” She heard Steve answer after the third ring.

“Uncle Steve!” Lizzie beamed at the phone.

“Oh hey there, Lizzie!”

“Do you wanna have ice cream?” she immediately asked, looking to Y/N excitedly.

“Oh sweetie, I’m still at work. How about some other time? I could bring you your favorite,” Steve suggested apologetically.

“Awww, how about daddy? Is he there?” Lizzie asked hopefully.

“Uhm, I’m not sure, he’s probably at his office. Why don’t you ask Mommy to give him a call?”

“I already did, he didn’t answer. How about Sam? Can I talk to Sam?” Lizzie asked again, clearly intending to get out of her routine of just going home or to the bakery with her mom. She hasn’t been spending much time with Bucky lately too, and Y/N could see it take a toll on her like today.

“Baby, why don’t we just get ice cream at home, or go to the bakery? Peter’s there, you like Peter,” Y/N suggested cheerfully. Peter worked as a part-time server at the bakery, he’s a good kid, smart too, and always playful and nice to Lizzie.

“But I always see Peter, I wanna see daddy, mommy! or Uncle Steve or Sam, or maybe Aunt Nat and Aunt Wanda?”

“Are you with them too Uncle Steve?” Lizzie asked hopefully again, excitement in her eyes.

“No, sweetie I’m not, but Sam is here,” Steve answered, clearly preoccupied as he shuffled papers on his desk.

“But I’ll tell you what, I could take a little break. How about you and your mommy come and visit the office? I’ll have my secretary get you your favorite ice cream, which is it again? Pistachio isn’t it?” He asked teasingly.

“Ew! Uncle Steve, no! It’s strawberry, silly!” She giggled into the phone, falling into his trap.

“Oohh, right right, sorry Uncle Steve’s getting old, bad memory!” to which Lizzie laughed at again.

“You’re not old, that would make daddy old too! You just sound old, is all,” she reassured him, trying to make her uncle feel better.

“Oh now now, little lady, I do not,” Steve replied seriously.

“Hmm, maybe just like a hundred years old, not so old,” Lizzie replied, dead serious, clearly still trying to reassure him. Steve’s booming laughter could be heard from the phone and Y/N laughed, shaking her head. _Kids and their concept with numbers!_ When Steve finally settled down, she could hear him ask to talk to her.

“Hey Steve, you know if you’re busy, we don’t have to go there,” she tried to say it as softly as possible so as not to alarm Lizzie, but she wanted to give Steve an out if he only felt obligated to have them.

“Huh, no, come here, it’s no problem! Lord knows, I could use a break too, uhm, so I should call Bucky, and tell him you guys are on your way, he’s probably just buried in work or out getting coffee,” Y/N felt herself immediately tense up. How weird was it that they were going to her husband’s office but only to meet up with his best friend, and they might not even see him or ever know where the hell he was? Did Steve not really know what was up with him or was he just telling her that to spare her feelings?

“Uh huh, yeah probably, so you sure we could pass by?” Y/N answered him dismissively.

“Of course, how could I say no to my favorite niece?”

“Alright, thanks, about to get into a cab, see ya!” Y/N said, opening the door, to the cab she just hailed.

——————————————————————————————-

“Uncle Steve, what do you do?” Lizzie asked, seated across from Steve at his desk, as she drew on the paper he had provided her.

“Well, hmm, I usually go out and talk to clients, and meet all sorts of people, trying to get them to know about us,” He said in the simplest way he could probably describe what a managing director does in the biggest investment banking in the world but before Lizzie could reply, a knock sounded at the door.

“Chocolate chip, vanilla and strawberry ice cream coming right up,” A very friendly looking man excitedly said as he held a big grocery bag of ice cream with one hand and a bunch of teaspoons in another.

“Thanks, Scott, you could put them on the desk,” Steve said.

“Wow, that’s a gallon of everything, are you making the whole floor eat ice cream with you?” Y/N asked teasingly.

“Well I, ah, I just didn’t want you guys to run out of anything,” Scott said awkwardly as he smiled at Steve in awe, clearly wanting his approval.

“Uh, Thanks Scott,” Steve replied uncomfortably.

“Oh! I should get you guys some bowls,” Scott scrambled before turning around to face Y/N,

“And may I just say it’s nice to finally meet Cap’s lovely wife and daughter, beautiful family, ma’am, that’s what I call him here, Captain,” he rolled his eyes at his own joke while still shaking Y/N’s hand. Y/N and Steve tried to intervene but the guy would just not stop talking.

“He basically runs this place here, the best managing director I have ever worked with, and his advice on starting my own business is always so so great-”

“We’re not together.” Y/N cut him off sheepishly, catching her tongue before she mumbled an apology for not being Steve’s wife, he just seemed so excited. She hated having to let him down, even though her cheeks turned beet red from embarrassment.

“Oh,” he said, finally realizing to stop shaking her hand, “Sorry! I shook your hand for too long, didn’t I?”

“It’s alright,” Y/N replied laughingly while Steve cleared his throat trying to hide a chuckle and Lizzie giggled at her seat.

“Actually Scott, that’s Y/N, Bucky’s wife,” Scott’s eyes bulged out as he blushed, probably remembering how he had deemed Steve the best in the company. “And that is his adorable daughter, Lizzie,” Steve pointed at Lizzie and gave her a wink.

“You’re funny, Mr. Scott,” Lizzie said from her seat, still giggling, but just then someone entered the room.

“Where’s my favorite girl?” Sam’s voice sounded from the doorway.

“Sam!” Lizzie squealed as she leaped up in his arms.

“Now, tell me you didn’t finish all that ice cream,”

“Oh, right the bowls! I’ll be right back,” Scott immediately left as Sam turned to greet Y/N, putting Lizzie down.

“Where’s Bucky?” He asked, looking around. Hell if I know, Y/N thought to herself.

“Is daddy here?” Lizzie asked, running back to take her seat at the desk, getting ready to have her ice cream.

“He wasn’t with you? Texted him too, he’s probably on his way,” Steve reassured everyone. Scott came back with the bowls and some serving spoons and told everyone to enjoy. They all fell into conversation as soon as they’ve gotten their shares.

“Oh, look Clint just texted me, Laura gave birth to a baby boy!” Steve said holding his phone out to show them.

“Oh, he’s beautiful,” Y/N said, happy for her friends.

“Nathaniel, Nat finally got him to name a kid after her huh,” Sam said, impressed.

“Can you believe Clint with four children! I would’ve thought that would be you, Steve! And Bucky’s even beaten you up to it,” Y/N playfully swatted Steve’s arm as he just rolled his eyes.

“Why, how was Clint back then?” Sam asked.

“Like you wouldn’t believe! He was the most reckless ladies man, had a different girl every other week,”

“His baby’s wrinkly,” Lizzie said as she peered at the phone which made them all laugh.

As soon as Bucky read Steve’s texts, he rushed back to his office and caught them all laughing at something on Steve’s phone. He immediately noticed how Lizzie clung to his arm while Y/N stood right beside them with Sam on his other side. He suddenly felt a pang of jealousy hit him as they should’ve all been at his office instead of here. He felt awkward, like he was the one intruding, when it was his family right there.

He strode in and tried to act as charming and casual as possible, “So what did I miss?”

“Daddy!” Lizzie immediately ran to him and clung to his neck as he picked her up.

“Hey, princess,” He said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. Y/N moved back from Steve, her smile immediately leaving her face.

“Hey, sorry I missed your calls,” He told her as he bent down to give her a kiss.

“It’s fine, it was Lizzie,”

“It’s okay, daddy,” Lizzie just said, tightening her hold on his neck as he settled her on his hip.

“So, do you still have some ice cream left for daddy?” He asked her sweetly and Y/N immediately felt it straight through her heart. She watched as his eyes crinkled while he joked with their daughter, his smile still managing to make her heart skip a beat. There was no one else like Bucky Barnes for her. That man had her wrapped around his fingers, giving him the all the power to make her happy or break her heart.

“Uncle Clint has a new baby, it’s still kinda wrinkly,” Lizzie told him and he threw his head back and laughed.

“Hey, I remember your dad showing me a picture of you and you were exactly like that too!”

Sam teased.

“No, I wasn’t! Daddy, tell him!”

“No you weren’t, don’t listen to him, cute as a button, just like mommy,” Bucky reassured her as he booped her nose, and Y/N blushed, looking away. God, she hated that he could still make her blush after everything. Bucky saw this and he smirked, he loved those blushes, no matter what, she always still felt awkward at being complimented. He never understood why and always teased her about it. He figured someone like her should’ve been used to them but no, not his Y/N. He watched her for a moment as Sam and Lizzie kept on teasing each other while Steve chuckled on their antics. God, he loved her. He wished he could tell her and be like how they were before but something’s shifted between them. It was as if, if one stepped forward, the other stepped back. He made a huge mistake and if he were being honest, he still kept making that mistake but he never fell out of love for her. Now, there was an ocean of uncertainty that drowned them both and the worst part was he’d been denying it to himself. Denying that it all started _that one fateful day_ , he came face to face with _the man_ he promised to never lay his eyes on again. He adamantly refused to believe he had been affected that much by the encounter then the next thing he knew, he had spiraled and didn’t know how to swim back up. He had a feeling he was losing her which he’d never felt the whole time they were together and it scared him, scared him to his very bones.

“Daddy, what do you do?”

“Huh?” Bucky snapped out of his reverie at Lizzie’s question.

“You and Uncle Steve do the same thing here?” She asked and gestured around the office.

“Yeah, pretty much, and Sam too,”

“Oh!” She said, clapping her hands, as if having just solved a problem.

“Uncle Steve, you’re like daddy! You could go for career day and dress in that, and then tell us all the stuff you do,” she beamed proudly, not noticing how her dad’s arms tensed around her, Y/N looked down to her shoes while Sam pretended to scoop out the rest of his ice cream. Steve just opened and closed his mouth, not knowing what to say.

“Baby, someone has to stay here and work while daddy goes with you,” Y/N broke the awkwardness and talked to her encouragingly.

“Why didn’t you ask me, Lizzie?” Bucky looked to his daughter with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Because you’re always busy,” She said, playing with his tie.

He caught her eye as he told her, “No I won’t be, love, I’ll go with you,”

“Really?” Lizzie asked incredulously.

“Really. Now, what do you say, we’ll take the rest of the day off and go home?”

Lizzie immediately agreed and excitedly waved her goodbyes to Steve and Sam. Y/N felt herself drift into a daze while she followed them out the door. He was going home early? He wanted to spend time with them? What was going on? Was he finally ready to be a family again? As soon as that question hit her, she realized how long it’s been since they hung out like this. She looked to Bucky and he smiled at her as they exited the building, with their daughter still clinging to his neck.

“I have to go to the bakery,” She blurted out suddenly. Bucky looked at her, confused, ready to convince her to come with them instead. Even Lizzie whined from her perch on her dad’s arm.

“I’m sorry, I just, I gotta go, I’ll come home before dinner. I promise,” she kissed Lizzie’s cheek and left.

Bucky watched helplessly as she walked away, her dress flowing in her wake. She had fled. The one time he had the courage to do the right thing, she had fled with not even a look back, not even bothering to hail a cab and he knew her so well, he knew what that meant. Every time she paced or took long walks, she needed to think. He swallowed a lump in his throat as a breath caught in his chest, _was he too late?_


	4. Chapter 4

_The smell of cheap liquor and smoke wafted in the air as Bucky took a long drag of his cigarette. The crowded bar filled with obnoxious college students didn’t seem to mind the lonesome guy at the corner, smoking and swirling his bottle of beer in his hand. It had been such a bad day. He thought back on the conversation he had with his sister, Becca, on the phone. How her voice sounded suspiciously too happy, and how she hissed quietly every so often to hide her pain. He knew then something was up. Their bastard of a foster father was hitting her again and the worst part was he couldn’t do anything about it. He was stuck in college without money to get her out of her situation. She had to wait to turn 18 to get out of the system, the same way he did. He finished up his beer and ordered another one, trying to fight his way into oblivion when someone slapped a hand on his shoulder, “There you are,” Steve spoke over the noise of the crowd, looking down at him. A tall, beautiful woman in a red dress with a matching red lipstick stood confidently at his side. Bucky’s eyes swept over her, from her curly hair down to her toes, a smirk suddenly playing over his lips. A distraction, just what he needed._

_“Hey, what’s a pretty thing like you doing here?” He drawled, turning his body to her, ignoring Steve’s knit brows and barely controlled cringe._

_“Steve said there’d be dancing,” her smooth voice replied, the accent making her sound just a little more sultry. Bucky smiled wide while she looked to Steve, her eyes holding a challenge. Steve, awkward as always, shifted his weight between his feet, visibly getting more flustered by the second._

_“Yeah, uhm, Peggy, this is Bucky by the way,” He gestured to Bucky who held out his hand. Peggy looked at him briefly before shaking it. “I’m Peggy. Nice to meet you,” she replied, keeping her voice affable but distant, her attention going back to Steve. Bucky couldn’t help but give his friend a little nudge in the right direction, “So Peggy, can I buy you a drink? Or you wanna go?” He kept his voice suggestive and his eyes teasing, gesturing his head to the crowd in the middle of the bar, dancing to some lousy music that did not look the least bit appealing to him and hoped that Steve would take the hint and fight for this girl he’s clearly into. Peggy took the bait and asked for a gin and tonic, a slight tilt to the corners of her lips when Steve tensed beside her and ordered his own drink. He frowned when he saw the empty bottles of beer beside Bucky, already understanding why he had skipped class and started drinking by himself. He would’ve said something but their drinks arrived and Peggy quickly thanked Bucky for hers while her hand went to his arm, “Steve, should we give it a go?” She smirked up at him, leading him away before Bucky could even get a word out. He scoffed and hung his shaking head, still unable to believe Steve’s obliviousness._

_“Ouch, that’s gotta hurt,” a laughing voice to his right said. He turned to her and was just about to say that it was part of his plan all along when he caught her bright smile. Damn, she was cute. How come he didn’t notice her before?_

_“D’you wanna help me feel better?” Bucky suggested, the alcohol finally hitting him. He was usually smoother than this, had more finesse, but he couldn’t help himself. He usually got away with it anyway, always being able to smooth talk his way to any woman and get what he wanted. Besides, she was just too damned cute, he had to try._

_“Oh my god. Are you serious? You did not just go there, ” She laughed back at him, incredulous._

_“What?” He asked innocently with a little shrug, angling his body closer to hers. Okay, he was cute, she had to admit that to herself too, giving his body a quick scan before she looked into his eyes again. But she can’t just let him off the hook that easily, “Have you forgotten? I literally just watched you crash and burn seconds ago, that girl--” she said pointing to a laughing Peggy with Steve, “just crushed you in the palm of her hand,” She made a fist in front of him, as if she was squeezing something to prove her point._

_“Hey hey, come now, it wasn’t that bad,” Bucky replied defensively, a genuine smile tugging at his lips despite himself._

_“Ugh, yeah it was,” Her scrunched nose and nodding head made a laugh burst out of him while he shook his head from side to side._

_“No, no it’s not what you think. I did that on purpose to help my friend,” He tried to explain but saying that out loud made it sound even more pathetic. When she just laughed, he became more defensive,_

_“I swear I did! Come on, you saw how awkward my friend was,”_

_“I saw how awkward you were,” She taunted back._

_“Me? I wasn’t! You know, I wasn’t,” Bucky tried to defend himself again sounding stern but charming her with his smile nonetheless._

_“Come on, don’t lie to yourself. I was the only witness, it’s fine. It happens to the best of us,” She patted his arm mockingly, smiling sweetly at him, an exaggeration of pity in her eyes._

_“I bet it doesn’t happen to you,” His voice dropped lower, smiling seductively, all the while knowing how bad that line was, he just wanted to see her smile again. They both looked at each other for a split second before bursting into laughter. The one he hadn’t had in a while, the good kind that he felt straight to his belly, making it hard to breathe. She miserably sputtered beer from her mouth onto the floor, having just enough sense on the last second to face downward. Bucky guffawed as he watched her, repeatedly slapping a hand to his thigh, unable to control his laugh. He handed her a napkin when they both got under control. Her cheeks were flushed but she couldn’t find it in herself to be embarrassed._

_“Oh god, that was so bad,” she said looking at him with disbelief and pity while she shook her head._

_“I know. I did that one on purpose too, I swear,” He said, crossing his heart to prove his point._

_“Alright, fine. You know what, I’ll just believe you to make yourself feel better,” She joked back, a mischievous smile on her lips. She was pretty sure his shameless flirting worked all the time looking like that but unlucky for him, she just watched him with his friend earlier. Suddenly, something in him shifted, she saw it in the way he looked at her softly, making her self-conscious. She was about to say something when he sighed and told her,_

_“Doll, you already did,”_

_He shook his head slowly from side to side as he looked at her face, a smile creeping in, “You gotta give me your name,” he pleaded. She felt her heart flutter in her chest, a shy smile forming on her lips as she exhaled, “Y/N… my name’s Y/N,”_

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Is my wife around?” Bucky asked the chattering kid behind the cashier counter. The kid looked at him, confused, as if he was supposed to automatically know who he meant until his eyes landed on Bucky’s hand intertwined with his daughter’s. Lizzie waved at Peter with a bright smile. He recovered quickly and waved back, returning to the chirpy employee he always was.

“Mr. Barnes! It’s nice to finally meet you, I’m Peter, by the way. Mrs. Barnes left just a few minutes ago,”

“Oh” Bucky replied, deflated. “Well, do you know where she went?”

“She went with her hot— I mean her friend, the red headed one,” He stammered, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

“Right. Uhm, well do you know where they went?” Bucky asked on, feeling himself getting embarrassed with not knowing his wife’s whereabouts. He had asked her this Saturday morning to join him and Lizzie at the park and she’d declined saying she had work to do but it was great because at least now, she didn’t have to bring Lizzie along with her and then she quickly left, as if she was trying to flee from him. Bucky let out a sigh, he wanted to surprise her for lunch and now here he was, feeling like a complete moron.

“Sorry Mr. Barnes, I don’t know, I think something about a doctor? I’m not too sure I heard them correctly? Would you like anything, sir?” Peter asked awkwardly.

Bucky just shook his head and thanked him, clearly disappointed at himself. If he said doctor, then they were probably just meeting up with Bruce, the only person he knew who had way too many PhDs for his own good. 

“Where are we going now, daddy?” Lizzie looked up at him and his heart melted at her bright smile. So much of her mother is in that smile that he couldn’t help remembering the first time they met all those years ago. He felt himself transported back into that dingy bar and couldn’t help but feel the wonder of all the things they’ve gone through. _He married her_ , he actually married the girl who made him laugh the hardest, the girl who brought a smile to his sad, sorry life, giving him a purpose, _giving him a family_. Something he never thought he’d have but what did he do? He took them for granted, he became the man he was always scared of becoming. All those beatings he took as a child, every punch, kick and lashing to try and beat sense into him that he was nothing, _Rumlow_ was right. He _is_ good for nothing. 

Lizzie squeezed his hand tight bringing him back to the moment, having no idea of the emotional turmoil he had inside. Their intertwined hands almost took his breath away, how could he have made something so perfect? She trusted him with her whole heart, trusted him not to hurt her and what the hell had he been doing? He didn’t deserve her, he didn’t deserve them. She leaned her head on the arm that was holding her hand, her adoring eyes quickly turning into concern, “What’s wrong, daddy?” She asked, her voice small and caring, the sweetest sound in the world. Bucky could almost feel tears prick his eyes as he swallowed a lump in his throat.

“Nothing, sweetie. You know daddy loves you very much right?” He knelt down in front of her, his voice begging her to understand.

She nodded her head vigorously, “Don’t be sad, daddy. We can still see mommy at home later,” she reassured him, putting her tiny hands on his cheek. Bucky let out a laugh at her sweet gesture and took each of her hands to give it a kiss.

“I’ll tell you what, sweetheart, why don’t we have a daddy and Lizzie day? Just you and me then we could just see mommy for dinner.” Bucky held his breath as he waited for her reply, scared that she might reject him. Lizzie’s eyes widened in excitement as she beamed at him, her little fists pumping in the air, “Yes!” 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Y/N’s stomach grumbled as the smell of the food she was cooking assaulted her. _Chicken parmigiana with tomato pasta, one of her favorites._ Her mouth watered just by looking at it. She hummed along to the music and poured herself a glass of wine, feeling relaxed for the first time. It had been so long since she’s had the apartment to herself and for once, she could blast her favorite music and cook something without thinking first of Lizzie or Bucky even though he mostly ate by himself nowadays. Apart from that, she realized she always had Lizzie’s chatter, anything that went into her head, she would animatedly have to tell her about. She smiled as she remembered one of her more obscure questions. She loved her child, obviously, but she needed a break, _a long overdue break._

She took some nuggets out of the freezer for Lizzie, just in case she decided to be picky tonight and didn’t like the food, wondering what she and her dad were up to until a knot settled in the pit of her stomach, only realizing now that she couldn’t avoid Bucky forever. She’d have to face him tonight, over dinner. A shiver went down her spine, she didn’t know if she was ready. She was honestly surprised that he’d been trying to spend more time with them for the past couple of days. She tried to dodge him as much as she could, going to the bakery, excusing herself with random errands and house chores or even pretending to catch up on her shows, even though she had no idea what the hell she was watching. All the while, he kept mum and patiently waited, accepting all the excuses she hurled at him and expending all his energy on Lizzie. Seeing his name flash on her screen earlier had puzzled her, she didn’t know what to expect anymore.

_“Gonna take Lizzie out the whole day! Go shopping or have a spa or something. You deserve a break. Have fun with your day, babe :) we’ll be home for dinner”_

She shook her head as she thought of how their evening would play out. Should she confront him already? What if he told her he loved someone else? Was she ready for that? All those thoughts made her head hurt but she knew she didn’t want to keep pretending that everything was fine anymore. If she confronted him, would he want to work things out or would he want to end it? Hell, she didn’t even know what she wanted herself. She loved him, she would always love him but he wasn’t the same Bucky she knew. She didn’t trust him anymore. What would their marriage be like without her trust? She knew it wouldn’t work and yet… she couldn’t seem to let him go. A braver version of herself would like to think it was for Lizzie, but in her heart of hearts, she knew it was for herself too. She was suddenly distracted from her thoughts by the sound of shuffling keys at the door. She quickly wiped the tears that had silently fallen down her cheeks when she heard him call out her name. Taking a deep breath she pasted a smile on her face and shouted, “In the kitchen!”

The normally cheerful Lizzie was perched on her dad’s arm, her head resting on his shoulder, greeting her mom with a wave before letting out a big yawn.

Y/N immediately frowned, “What’s wrong, baby?” She put her hand on Lizzie’s forehead to check her temperature.

“What do you mean?” Bucky immediately asked, confused, worriedly looking at her.

“Just tired, Mommy,” She replied as she nestled herself closer to his neck.

“Well, she’s a bit warm,” Y/N told Bucky, concern clouding her eyes.

Putting the back of his hand to Lizzie’s forehead too, he didn’t find anything out of the ordinary.

“Maybe, she’s just really tired. She was fine this morning, I’m sure it’s nothing,” he reassured Y/N, putting her at ease.

“Alright, but you should eat first before heading to bed,” she told Lizzie who just shook her head.

“Sweetie, you gotta eat a little something first, or you might wake up really really hungry tomorrow and finish all your cereal then you’d have nothing left for school. Come on, just a little something, okay?” Bucky told her in that voice of his that always worked. She let out a little laugh as she nodded her head. Y/N quickly prepared her food, choosing the chicken nuggets as the safer option, convincing her picky 4-year-old daughter to eat when she was already sleepy was already a win in itself.

“Do you need any help?” Bucky asked from behind her after settling Lizzie on the chair at the kitchen counter.

“You can set the table,” Y/N suggested, fishing the milk out of the refrigerator for Lizzie. Bucky quickly went to work, grabbing two sets of plates and utensils, already feeling jittery at the thought of spending time alone with his wife. “This smells really good,” He told her over his shoulder as he set them down.

“Thanks, you can start without me, I’m gonna feed Lizzie first then bring her up right away so she could sleep,” Y/N continued preparing Lizzie’s plate without even glancing back at him, her hands shaking at the thought of having to go through dinner with him alone, she had expected Lizzie to be with them to break the awkwardness and delay their inevitable conversation.

“No, no, I’ll wait for you,” he quickly reassured her, finally able to get her to spend time with him. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat beside his daughter while she watched her mom with her elbow on the counter, her cheek resting on her hand.

“Are you that tired, bug? My poor baby,” He reached out and gave her a kiss on the cheek while Lizzie nodded.

“Are you sure she was fine this morning? I mean, I barely saw her but she seemed fine when I left, You were with her the whole day, did she seem--”

“She’s fine,” Bucky cut her off with a chuckle, loving that his wife had always been a helicopter mom.

“Okay,” She said, giving him a tight smile, putting Lizzie’s food in front of her.

“I’m not hungry,” Lizzie grumped out.

“Just try, baby,” Y/N encouraged, pushing the glass of milk in front of her.

After about three pieces, Lizzie gave up and told them again she wasn’t hungry and wanted to go to bed. Y/N finally allowed her and brought her up while Bucky waited. He’d been wanting to be alone with her and now, he was nervous. Would she bring up his indiscretions? Did she even know? He loved her and didn’t want to let her go, he couldn’t even think of the possibility of a divorce. He buried his head in his hands, it isn’t fair to keep it to himself, is it? He knew he had to come clean at one point or another but he just didn’t know when he’ll ever be ready.

“She fell asleep as soon as she hit the pillow,” Y/N informed him, striding back down to the kitchen.

“Hey,” He greeted her gently, stepping towards her and snaking his arms around her waist. “How was your day?” He asked, moving his head to give her a kiss but she pulled away, pushing him back a bit before distancing herself and sitting at the table.

“It was good. Just went to the bakery, met up with Nat,” she replied without her usual openness.

“You didn’t have a spa? You love those,” Bucky tried to get her to open up more, taking the seat across from hers.

“No, I just missed being home by myself. Got to listen to music that didn’t involve baby sharks or all those shows she watches that makes me want to bash my head in,” Y/N replied smiling a little, starting to feel their familiar rapport coming back. An indulgent smile spread across his face making his eyes crinkle at the corners, and she found herself relaxing a bit. He went on to ask her about her plans with the bakery’s expansion and her upcoming catering gig with Stark. She didn’t even notice herself falling back into his trap, already losing herself in the conversation, her answers becoming more and more animated as she discussed her dreams with him.

“Ah, that’s great. I’m so proud of you babe,” He beamed at her but somehow that smile brought Y/N back to reality. He couldn’t just talk to her as if he’s been around this whole time, as if he never came back home late every night, making her sick with worry.

“How about you? How’s work? You’ve been very busy lately,” she asked with an undertone of knowing what he had been up to. And suddenly the air in the room shifted, an uncomfortable silence, making goosebumps raise on Bucky’s neck. She looked into his eyes, willing him to admit it, hoping she didn’t have to do it herself and despite her better judgement, hoping she was wrong. That he had a good explanation for everything and she was going crazy. He cleared his throat and poured himself another glass of whiskey, enjoying the way the alcohol burned down his throat and hoping it dulls the ache starting to form in the middle of his brows.

Y/N eyed the glass warily, “You’ve been drinking an awful lot lately,” she said remembering how he just had a bottle of beer right before dinner. 

”I work in investment banking, honey. Of course, I’m drinking and it’s always busy there,” He replied dismissively, trying to change the subject.

“Really? Aren’t you one of the bosses there? Do Steve and Sam also stay in the office until what? 2, maybe even 3 in morning? Do they come home around those hours too?” She asked coldly, taunting him to give her something.

“What? Sam? Steve? Y/N, please. I don’t want to fight,” Bucky pleaded with her, he’s been dreading this moment. He wasn’t ready, they were having such a friendly conversation. Couldn’t they live in that bubble a little while longer? Y/N’s nostrils flared, her hands balling on the table as she felt an angry flush rise up her cheeks.

“You don’t want to fight, huh? Really? Why didn’t you think of that sooner then?” Her voice rose up as her heart beat an erratic rhythm in her chest.

“Y/N…” Bucky coaxed, closing his eyes, he couldn’t look at her now, couldn’t face the pain and anger etched in her face. He rested his elbow on the table, bringing his fingers up to massage his temples, the amber fluid in front of him tempting him to drown his pain and guilt away. This was it. The moment that would make or break his life, he was so stupid. He heard Y/N scoff in front of him, making him snap his head up.

“Right, why don’t you just drink it off and ignore me? That’s what you’re good at anyway.” She spat at him venomously, her words cutting him deep, his jaw clenching as he watched his life walk away.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When he was finally at the bar, swinging slightly on his stool while he downed another whiskey, his phone vibrated from his pocket. Taking it out, he saw a text message from Celeste. He expelled a breath, balling his phone in his fist. _Right, just what he needed._ He ordered another drink before getting the bill and heading off, walking to the place he’d always found distraction in.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm Chapter 4's ending was annoying right?? I hope this helps ;)

_“Come on, pick up pick up,”_ Y/N said into the phone as she called Bucky. She looked at Lizzie who whimpered in her sleep, her fevered skin flushed. Immediately after her argument with him, she stormed to their room and locked the door. She didn’t care where he slept anymore. Whether he stayed on the couch, or went back to his mistress, that was all up to him. She wasn’t going to tolerate this, she couldn’t even if she wanted to. The fact that he couldn’t even face her, couldn’t even look her in the eye and tell her the truth was the tipping point. She married a coward. She thought they could fix this, but how could it be fixed when no one wanted to face the truth? She’s had enough. Her love wasn’t enough to fix this marriage and she would choose herself and her daughter before he drowned them both. She had _finally_ decided, come tomorrow morning, she’d take Lizzie with her and figure out how they would go from there. She promised herself tomorrow she would be strong but tonight, _tonight’s my time to grieve._

She couldn’t help her nagging suspicion to check downstairs to see if he had actually stayed. It wouldn’t have mattered either way but she wanted to know. Her padded footsteps across the dark, empty living room floor solidified her suspicion.

_She married a coward._

She picked up their wedding photo on the table by the couch, hardly recognizing the two people madly in love staring back at her. Since when had they become strangers? She didn’t even know how long she’d been standing there, staring at the picture frame in her hands. All her dreams of a happy family with him crushed and all for what? She hoped it was worth it for him. She took a step back, leaving the frame facing down, not having the courage to look at it any longer and headed to the kitchen. How else would she grieve anyway without the help of her favorite bottle of wine?

At some point way past midnight, after consuming more than half the bottle while she tortured herself scrolling through their old pictures on her phone, she knew she had to call it a night. _Everything looked better in the morning_ , she reminded herself as she dragged her feet up the stairs to check on Lizzie. She hoped to God it was true, how else would she survive?

The sight of Lizzie stopped her in her tracks. What the hell happened? Her skin was flushed as she shivered in her sleep, curling her body into a ball with her tiny hands clutched at the blanket. Y/N ran the few steps to her and immediately dropped the back of her hand on her forehead, feeling herself sober up as quickly as Lizzie’s heated skin shocked her. This was bad. _This was really bad._ She had a full blown fever in a span of a few hours. Was that even possible? She seemed fine, she said she was only tired, How could they have missed this? Her panicked mind moved before she even registered what she was doing, _“Come on, pick up, pick up,”_ she begged into the phone before his voice sent her straight to voicemail. _Damn it!_ She paced the room, calling Bucky again.

“Mommy? I don’t feel so good,” Lizzie croaked from her bed. Y/N rushed back to her, immediately tucking her phone back in her pocket as Lizzie vomited right where she was.

“Sorry,” she rasped, laying her head back on her pillow.

“Oh, sweetheart, it’s okay. Mommy’s gonna get you cleaned up, okay?” Y/N tried not to let her alarm show, her hands shaking when she changed her out of her soiled clothes.

“Baby, mommy’s gonna be right back, she’ll just get you medicine okay?”

When Lizzie just nodded, she quickly ran to their medicine cabinet to grab the thermometer and Children’s Tylenol. She added some washcloths too and a basin full of water, hoping she was doing the right thing. When the normally fussy Lizzie didn’t even complain about the taste of the medicine, she knew just how bad she felt. Worry and panic gnawed at her as she tried to remember how her mother used to treat her when she was sick. Wiping the tepid washcloth over Lizzie’s skin, she tried to think of her options. She should call Nat despite the late hour. Bruce should know what to do even though he always says he wasn’t that kind of doctor. Those PhDs had to count for something right? After placing the cloth on Lizzie’s forehead, she measured her temperature. _Please don’t let it be too high, please don’t let it be too high._ 102 °F. _Shit._

She paced the room again and wrung her free hand as she waited for her best friend to answer her call but to no avail, she got redirected to voicemail. _Shit, shit, shit._ This time she called Bruce, not caring anymore that she’d be waking them up. When no one answered, Lizzie whimpered again.

“Mommy, I’m dizzy,”

Y/N took that as a bad sign and put her soothing hand on her child’s forehead. “I know, sweetheart. Does anything else hurt?”

She just shook her head and raised her blanket higher.

“Alright, baby. Rest first okay? Mommy will take care of you, I promise,”

She picked her phone up again, giving a quick text to Bucky to call her as soon as he could before calling Steve, somehow knowing he’d know what to do. She needed his calming authoritative nature while her mind had gone haywire. He has always been the one in their group to call for emergencies, it just came with his hero complex.

“Hey, Y/N, what’s going on?” Steve asked, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“Steve!” He heard her frantic reply on the line, making him sit up on his bed. “I can’t contact Bucky, he isn’t home and Lizzie, she’s sick. She has a fever, she’s thrown up already and I--”

“Hold on, hold on, Y/N, calm down. Have you given her anything?” 

“I just gave her Tylenol but she’s still burning up and I think she’s nauseous, I don’t know what to do. Nat hasn’t picked up so I couldn’t ask Bruce what else I could give her, I should bring her to the hospital right? What am I saying? I’m bringing her now,” Steve could hear her panicked footsteps while she gathered everything she needed.

“Y/N wait, where the hell is Bucky? Should I try looking for him now?” He asked, already putting his shoes on. Y/N barely heard him, checking her driver’s license in her purse and grabbing her car keys before remembering...

_“Shit!”_

“What?” Steve asked, his heart in his throat. _What now?_

“Steve, I’ve been drinking! I need to call you back, I have to book an Uber,”

“No. Stay where you are. I’ll come get you,” his calm voice ordered, belying the anger he felt inside. If Bucky wasn’t already dead, he’d be sure to kill the jerk himself. 

_______________________________________________________________________

Bucky woke up with a splitting headache as he stretched his sore muscles from the odd angle he fell asleep in. His bent legs burning from squeezing himself into the small couch of his office. He sat up, groaning, while he massaged the tense muscles of his neck. He had been so mad after receiving that text from Celeste. It had been almost a week since he ended it with her, the day that Lizzie with her big and generous heart, proudly smiled at him when she thought she had solved his problem by making her uncle Steve go for her career day instead of him, _her actual father._ He still remembered it like a blow to the stomach, knocking the air right out of him. His daughter, so giving and thoughtful and he’d inadvertently pushed her away, _pushed them away._ It still sent chills to his spine to think of just how close he is of losing them. So instead of facing his wife last night, instead of admitting his mistake, he let his demons get the best of him and ran. Ran to drink himself into oblivion but her face was all he could see. The disappointment she felt for him etched in her features. She had lost hope and he knew it. What was he going to do? _Drinking definitely wasn’t it._ The more sensible part of his brain told him. But his whole life, that’s all he’s ever known. Rumlow’s laughing voice echoing in his head, _“You’ll always get your answers at the end of a bottle,”_ Bucky cursed himself. He thought he’d buried that part of himself when he met Y/N, when she gave him her smile and her heart without a care of his past and he was selfish enough to take it. He should’ve known he’d fall back in, _it’s just who you are._ Just when he thought his night couldn’t get any worse, his phone vibrated from his pocket, a text from Celeste. _Right, just what he needed._ Of course, it was going to get worse.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there he was almost at midnight, knocking at her apartment door, hoping he’d get this over and done with fast enough. He really wasn’t in the mood for any of her theatrics, he just wanted it to be over. She opened her door slightly and flashed her seductive smile before revealing herself in her new form-fitting red lingerie. Bucky rolled his eyes and groaned. Why couldn’t she take the hint? It turned out she didn’t at all. She took his groan as a good sign and wrapped her arms around him.

“Missed you Bucky,” she pouted before she rose on her tiptoes to try and kiss his neck. Bucky immediately pushed her by the arms away from him.

“Stop, Celeste. That’s enough!” he barked at her.

“What the hell, Bucky!” she screamed back at him, indignant.

“We’re over. I already told you, so please just stop with your messages and your calls. You knew this wasn’t gonna last,” That was true. The moment she saw the ring on his finger and still pursued him, he made sure to let her understand that their relationship was never going to get any further from being physical, that was their arrangement.

“What we have is good, Bucky! How could you let this go?” She pleaded, launching herself at him again to change his mind, hoping that he’d remember just how much he loved her body and how she could make him forget.

“Stop!” Bucky said, grabbing her arms again to push her away. He didn’t know what the hell he saw in her now. He always thought they were on the same page, she thrived on the thrill and he needed an escape.

“So what’s your plan now? Go back to your boring wife and play house with your family?” She scoffed while Bucky stiffened, feeling his jaw tic.

“You’re a broken man, Bucky. You need me, I can help you.” She let her fingers trail his chest. Bucky’s eerily calm demeanor disguised the storm he felt brewing inside. He grabbed her hand in a bruising grip, his voice menacingly low as he told her,

“Don’t you dare talk about my family like that. If you want to continue destroying your life, then go ahead, chase another married man for all I care. I am out.” He walked away from her, striding out the door while he felt his blood pump in his veins.

“I hate you, Bucky Barnes!” She screamed from the open doorway.

_You and me both_ , he thought to himself. _You and me both._

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He let out a sigh as he leaned back on the couch and massaged his temples, his dry throat working while the events of the night played on a loop in his head. _What a fucking mess I made_. His head pounded as shame filled him. He couldn’t go home and face Y/N right away, not while he was drunk and desperate for forgiveness. She didn’t deserve him drunkenly begging his apologies. He was fully planning on begging and groveling however way she wanted him to but not while his mind was muddled with alcohol. What was it she said again? _Drinking and evading were what he was good at._ It had hurt but she was right. Thankfully, he had just enough sense to crash in his office. He was a mess, but he was willing to do anything, _anything_ to have his wife back and make her happy if she’d let him. He didn’t deserve her, he knew that too, but he was a selfish man. He needed her, she was the only woman he ever loved, the only one who made him feel right. Suddenly, his phone lit up from the coffee table in front of him, his brows furrowing when he saw Y/N and Steve’s missed calls. Dread formed at the pit of his stomach as his blood ran cold making him run as fast as he could out of his office.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Where is she?” Bucky’s voice boomed around the emergency waiting room while he ran straight to Steve. Steve’s jaw muscles clenched as he watched his friend run a hand through his disheveled hair, his skin pale, and his sweat and breath reeking of alcohol.

“Where the hell were you, Bucky?” Steve squared his shoulders, standing up. “Your daughter is sick! And your wife has been looking for you! What the hell has gotten into you lately?” he asked accusingly, his voice rising. Several heads in the room turned to them but Steve couldn’t care less. His friend was going to have a piece of his mind.

“I know, I know. I fell asleep at my office,” Bucky replied knowing how pathetic he sounded even to his own ears.

“Bullshit! Do you really expect anyone to believe that? God damn it, Bucky! Look at you!” Steve’s nostrils flared, his hands balling into fists at his sides. The normally restrained Steve with his easy smiles gone, in his place was a man on the brink of losing control. He thought of Bucky as a brother but the overwhelming urge to punch him was so strong he was considering it. If they were anywhere but at the hospital for Lizzie, he was sure to have done it already. Lizzie, the sweet little girl he loved as his niece, was sick while her dad looked like he just came from someone else’s bed. Steve had his doubts at first but looking at him now, he was sure.

“How could you do this to your family? You, of all people, should know better than this!” He jammed his index finger into Bucky’s chest making him stumble back but he remained silent and accepted everything his best friend said knowing he deserved it.

“What would’ve happened if I hadn’t answered my phone? Y/N almost drove Lizzie in her state of panic, even though she’d been drinking. Did you know that?” Steve’s gruff voice made Bucky’s eyes flash with alarm before he looked down, gritting his teeth. He could feel Steve crowd in on him, taunting him and he wished he’d just punch him, hurt him. He deserved it. He deserved worse.

“Steve,” Y/N’s quiet, assertive voice interrupted them. She laid her hand on Steve’s back to calm him down, making him step away from Bucky and let go of the huge breath he’d been holding.

“Lizzie’s asleep. She’s feeling better now. The results of the tests shouldn’t take long,” she informed both of them, her eyes avoiding Bucky’s.

“Steve, you should head home. I’m sorry I woke you up, I’m not even sure if this was even an emergency. I think I might’ve just panicked,” she tried to keep her voice light but her smile didn’t reach her eyes, her back remaining rigid.

“Hey, no. You did the right thing,” Steve reassured her, nodding. She gave him a small smile before hugging him.

“Thank you Steve, really. What would we have done without you?” Y/N spoke to his neck. He rubbed his hand along her back, willing her the strength and comfort she needed to face her husband.

“Don’t worry about it. Everything would be fine. Are you sure you want me to go?” He asked her gently.

“You’ve done enough. You should rest. I promise to text you how it goes,” she said encouragingly at him. He nodded at her before turning to look coldly at Bucky. He strode away from them not bothering to say goodbye to him but Bucky reached his hand out, grabbing his arm.

“Thank you Steve, for being here. I mean it.” His voice was raw with sincerity, trying to convey just how grateful he was to have a brother in him. Steve’s jaw tensed before he nodded once and pulled his arm out of Bucky’s grasp, leaving him and Y/N alone together.

“Y/N…” Bucky said as he faced her, guilt and shame written all over his face. She turned to face him finally, her expression blank, as she asked him in a calm and steady voice,

“Do you love _her?_ ”

Her resolve not at all betraying the riot inside her mind and heart, ignoring the pain that lodged itself deep in her chest. At last, she had the courage to ask what she wanted to know all long, what kept her awake at night when she thought of him and where he was, what he was doing with _her_. Did she know him the way she did? Did she run her fingers down his spine the way he liked? Did she kiss that soft spot behind his ear that made him shiver? Did she love him? Did _he_ love _her?_ It seemed all her questions ended and revolved around that. Funny how only three words were all it took to change their lives forever.

Bucky’s breath caught in his chest as he swallowed a lump in his throat. This was it, he thought, she was going to leave him.

“Y/N, please. I wasn’t—”

“Answer the question, Bucky. Stop treating me like I’m stupid. I deserve to know,” she cut him off in her eerily resolved voice, and raised her chin. She looked so brave and so regal and he was _so so_ stupid to have taken her for granted, to have neglected her. He could never forgive himself.

“No, Y/N, no. God, I’m so stupid, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he pleaded frantically as he grabbed her hands in his, only to have her flinch and pull herself away harshly from him as if his touch burned her.

“Y/N please—” he tried again.

“No, no, don’t touch me,” she said, emotion finally seeping into her voice, her eyes brimming with tears that she would not let fall down. Not for him, never for him anymore.

“I don’t love her, Y/N. I love you. You’re the only one, please listen,” he tried again, his voice sounding pathetic to his own ears.

“Stop, Bucky. It doesn’t matter!” She said, her nostrils flaring, eyebrows drawn together. She huffed, regaining her control as she drew in long breaths, and shook her head, “It doesn’t matter,”

Bucky felt his world spin, fear pulsing in his veins as he stood frozen, while his wife told him there was nothing he could say or do that would matter anymore. He had made his choice, he had to lie in it. Still, while his mind understood and knew what she was saying, the heart was a treacherous thing, and his hoped and fought against all odds to have her listen, to get her back.

“Y/N, please. I love you. Let me explain, I’m begging—”

“Bucky, Stop. I can’t,” she shook her head, unable to finish, not knowing what to say as she took several steps back.

“I can’t even look at you right now. I just, I can’t,” she continued to shake her head, her thoughts and feelings stuck in her throat. She was disgusted with him, she couldn’t even stand him. And he just stood there, watching her longingly, his hands clenching at his sides when she started to walk away.

“Y/N wait… I don’t mean… Just, can I stay for Lizzie? Bring you guys home?”

Y/N had never heard him sound so small and unsure. She let out a breath she’d been holding, he was Lizzie’s father after all, no matter how he treated her, that wasn’t ever going to change. She nodded her head, knowing how much it would break her heart to have him still here but she couldn’t just think of herself, she had to think of her daughter, and she’d do anything for her.

“Thank you,” she heard his defeated voice say above the din as she put one step in front of the other, not once daring to look back at him while the sea of chatter and activity in the emergency room droned on, leaving a sorrowful man standing in the middle of the waiting room watching the one thing in his life he did right walk away. Her voice a constant echo in his mind, _“It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter,”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to have misled you in Chapter 4's ending!! :D Hope you liked this one. Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I’ve just been going through something at home. I posted about it, I think a week or two ago. Anyway, thank you for those who reached out to me and thank you for all your feedback with this. Really warms my heart and has been such a great help. This chapter is a bit longer than usual, I hope that makes up for it. Let me know what you think! :)

_Bucky let out a yawn as he opened the door to their apartment. He couldn’t help the smile forming on his lips as he took the stairs two steps at a time. Excitement building up in his chest to see his girls despite being so sleep deprived the past few weeks._

_“Trust me, my friend, enjoy your time now. You’d be lucky enough to get three hours of sleep before you hear that wail of death again,” Thor had warned, all serious and brooding, as they lifted heavy weights at his gym the week prior to Y/N’s due date. To Bucky’s horror, he was proven right. They barely had time for themselves anymore, let alone sleep. Today, was his first day back at work since Y/N had given birth and he was so tired, he almost dozed off at their meeting. It was a good thing Sam had backed him up but of course, only for the price of constant teasing after. “Hell, it’s only been a few weeks and you already look like the walking dead, Barnes! Even Thor looked better than you, and that’s saying a lot,” he motioned around his stomach, referring to the time their usually fit trainer and gym buddy gained weight after welcoming his first child. So naturally, when Bucky refused to go with them for their usual after-work training, Sam couldn’t help but quip,_

_“You’re losing touch, Barnes! Next thing we know you’d lose all that hair and have a beer belly, god, I’m never having a baby!”_

_Bucky just rolled his eyes and dismissed him with a casual “Later, Wilson,” not bothering to have a witty retort as he always did. Sam tsked him and shook his head, giving him a genuine smile despite his teasing manner. Bucky really couldn’t care less about putting on a few pounds. He just wanted sleep and his wife. And of course, to see his daughter, because no matter what he just couldn’t blame his little miss smarty pants, always knowing when her parents had closed their eyes to rest so she could wake them up again._

_He thought his first day back at work would’ve given him the respite he needed from taking care of a newborn baby for weeks but all day, he had just missed his little Lizzie. It was as if holding her in his arms after a long day at work was his prize. It didn’t help that as much as Sam had teased him, Steve wouldn’t stop remarking on his change in attitude, “This is great. I’m so proud of you, Buck.” while patting his back like the big brother he was. Bucky had just scoffed at him, not at all knowing how to respond. Steve was the only one who had been there for him all those times he and his sister had been under Rumlow’s care. He knew the things they went through and how having a family terrified him. His reassurances meant more to him than he could admit. He vowed he’d never make his daughter feel unwanted and unloved like how he was throughout his childhood when both his parents died abruptly leaving him and his sister abandoned to the foster care system. A chill went up his spine at the remembrance of all the “conditioning” he went through, all the pain he had to endure to achieve the “order” Rumlow so devoutly believed in. The slight tremor in his hands warned him he was getting in too deep. He took several deep breaths as he tried to shake off the memory. It was all in the past now. Even Becca had moved on, married right out of college and started her own little family. Y/N and Lizzie were his future now, this family they were building was more important to him than anything else. A dream he never thought he’d have._

_He slowly opened the door to their bedroom quietly, not wanting to wake Lizzie up if Y/N had finally gotten her to sleep. She must’ve been bored out of her mind with her taking the time off her newly-built bakery to take care of Lizzie while they haven’t sorted their schedules out yet. All week, she had been worried about how they were all coping without her. He brought the tulips up with a big grin on his face, ready to gift it to her as a peace offering from her time off work and hoped it could cheer her up even for just a little bit. His eyes landed on her curled up on the bed, a bit of her hair falling on the side of her face, her even breaths putting him at home as she peacefully dozed off. He looked to the bassinet beside the bed, a soft smile playing on his lips. His little girl slept like an angel with her pink cheeks and her tiny mouth puckering as she dreamed. He placed the flowers on the bedside table, giving Y/N a kiss to her forehead before heading to the bathroom to change, all the while wondering how he got so lucky after everything he’s been through. He met the love of his life in college, married her after eight years of being together then had a baby girl in their first year of marriage. Maybe the universe wasn’t out to get him after all._

_He snuggled next to Y/N, draping his arm across her waist. She moved back into him, her back to his chest as he pulled her close, drinking in the scent of her hair, sleep already seeping into his tired mind until the “wail of death” broke free. A lazy smile formed on his lips. He knew it, his little girl was smart._

_“Ugh,” Y/N grumbled, already making her way to stand up._

_“No, no. Go back to sleep, I’ll get her,” Bucky said as he kissed her on the cheek and stood up before she could protest._

_“But you just got home, Buck,” she complained but didn’t make a move to leave the bed._

_“Shh,” he smiled back at her, picking his little Lizzie up._

_“How are you sweetie? Are you hungry? You just miss Daddy, don’t you?” He cooed, rocking her in his arms while Y/N watched, her heart in her eyes. He continued to coo and rock her and soon the baby went back to sleep. He looked up to Y/N with a cocky grin on his face only to find her with her phone out, taking a video of the moment. He rolled his eyes, “If you continue to take videos of me and Lizzie, you’ll run out of space on your phone. But see, I told you, she just missed her dad!” He then proceeded to make a show of a sleeping Lizzie to Y/N’s phone while she giggled in the background._

_“Yeah right. You just got lucky, Buck,”_

_“Oh come on, you must admit she’s always calmer when I’m around,”_

_Y/N laughed again, ending the video and putting her phone back on the bedside table, finally noticing the flowers._

_“Aww, babe you didn’t have to,” she said, bringing it up to her nose. Her heart skipping a beat as she watched him smile at her. She’d never get tired of his smiles, she thought, not knowing he was thinking the exact same thing about her. Her smile faltered for a split second as she brought the flowers back down to the table. It wouldn’t have been noticeable to anyone else, but Bucky knew when something was bothering her. He noticed it ever since they got back from the hospital four weeks ago._

_“What’s wrong?” He asked, concern in his eyes as he held on to Lizzie._

_“It’s nothing, really,” She waved him off again, shaking her head._

_“Y/N…” He warned._

_“I just… I’m just thinking maybe I should sell Winter Bakery—”_

_“No,” He cut her off before she could even finish her sentence, his voice stern._

_“Hear me out, Bucky. This makes sense. You’re about to get promoted and I’ve only been open for a year. I know, for sure, we’ll get losses from this but if we plan it right, It shouldn’t be so hard. We have Lizzie now. I don’t think I can do both—,”_

_“Yes, you can.” Bucky cut her off again, determinedly reassuring her. She wished she had that same faith in herself but she just shook her head. How could she be a mother and manage her own business at the same time? Winter Bakery had just been opened for a few months before she realized she was pregnant. She remembered all those days she sluggishly went to work with her belly swollen, trying her best to show her employees that she knew what she was doing but deep down inside, she had no clue. All the anxiety she was facing with opening her own bakery cafe and being a new mother were all too overwhelming for her. She was in uncharted territories. It was pathetic. She was pathetic. This was not how she imagined their first year of marriage would be like at all. They hadn’t planned to get pregnant. They were going to wait it out, prioritize their careers first before they even discussed having a baby. Now, their plans were all screwed. And she hated herself for thinking that way, she loved Lizzie with her whole heart, seeing her for the first time she knew she’d never love anyone the way she loved her child and yet… the guilt was eating her alive and she hated herself for it. Winter Bakery could wait, she just has to—_

_“Y/N come on, this is your dream.” Bucky’s convincing voice cut her out of her reverie._

_“Yes, but it’s different now. It’s not just the two of us anymore, Bucky. We have Lizzie, and you’re about to get promoted. You can’t just slow down in your job but I still can. I’ve only been open for a year—”_

_“Yes and you’d stay open for a lot more. Come on, we can do this, Y/N. Tomorrow, I’d get off work so you can visit your shop,”_

_“Bucky, you just got back to work. You can’t miss it tomorrow.” She replied exasperatedly. The reason he went back earlier despite Shield having a longer paternity leave was for his promotion. He needed to clock in more hours, show that he was up for it._

_“Watch me,”_

_“Bucky, come on. You’re getting promoted remember? Steve said so himself, it’s almost already a done deal. I’m being serious,”_

_“And I’m not?”_

_She gave him a face that said he was pushing his luck and he tried his best not to laugh at her. She looked adorable whenever she gave him that face. He flashed her her favorite smirk as he put Lizzie down. Lying back down beside her, he let out a huge exhale._

_“Come here,” he said, beckoning his arm out for her. She laid her head on his chest, right under his calm heartbeat, feeling herself relax in sync with him. He softly played with her hair, brushing his lips on her forehead gently._

_“I’m being serious too, Doll. Stop doubting yourself. You’re more than capable enough to handle this. I know you,” Bucky reassured her, rubbing soothing circles on her back._

_“But how can you be so sure, Buck? I have no idea what the hell I’m doing half the time,” she replied, hating the whine that seeped into her voice._

_Bucky chuckled from underneath her, the rumbles from his chest somehow easing her worries. “Baby, you married me. What more proof do you need?”_

_“Come on, you’re not that bad,” she said, feeling a smile tugging at her lips despite herself as she propped her head up to look at him._

_“Babe, seriously. Go to your shop tomorrow. I can get Steve to cover for me. With this promotion, I’ll be earning a lot more. We can get the best day care for Lizzie when you start going back to work. Hell, even hire a nanny if we really need to. We’ll be fine, Y/N. I promise, trust me.” He said, tucking her stray hair back behind her ears. He looked at her with all the trust and encouragement in his eyes._

_“We’ll make it work?” She asked, doubt still in her voice but feeling a weight being lifted off her chest._

_“We’ll make it work.” He reassured her, nodding his head before craning his neck forward to give her a gentle kiss, calming all the worries and tension she’d been feeling all day. That night, as sleep claimed her, she had a gnawing feeling deep in her gut that no matter what happens with Winter Bakery, everything was still going to be okay. Because she’d always have Bucky._

______________________________________________________________________

Y/N waited in bed as Bucky tucked Lizzie in after getting home from the hospital. Soon after Steve had left, the test results came back and it turned out she had a UTI. They were immediately discharged when her fever had lowered with a prescription of a round of antibiotics. Y/N let out a sigh, it had been such a long night and she was relieved and thankful Lizzie didn’t have anything more serious. As to Bucky, she felt… oddly calm and relieved too. Finally, it felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. Her marriage, although broken and beaten, was at least honest now. Only question was, where do they go from here?

Bucky cleared his throat when he entered their room, Y/N looked up at him from her perch on her side of the bed with an empty look on her face. For the first time in his life, he didn’t know what she was thinking, he didn’t know what to say to make her feel better. And it was his damned fault that he couldn’t. He only wished he could turn back time and undo all the mistakes he made because it wasn’t worth it. None of it was worth it to lose his family.

“How long has it been going on, Bucky?” She asked him, her voice numb. He closed his eyes, shaking his head. Why did she want to hurt herself like this? Did she know it would hurt him just as much too?

“Y/N, please don’t ask me that,”

“You wanted to explain, didn’t you? So do it now, answer my question, explain. How long has it been going on?” She asked again patiently. She didn’t know where the hell she got her patience from but it was better than breaking down and throwing things at him which was what she always thought she might do. Silly of her to think she’d even have the energy for that.

“Two months.” He answered truthfully, letting out a puff of air as his jaw twitched, his hands forming fists at his sides, trying his damned best to keep his distance and not to wrap his arms around her, to prove his love for her. He knew it wouldn’t work anyway and she deserved better than that. She nodded her head as if considering but in all honesty, she didn’t even know where she was going with this, she didn’t know why she was asking things that would break her. All she knew was that it was better to know than be kept in the dark, better than being lied to.

“How did it start?”

“Y/N…”

“How did it start, Bucky?”

”I, I met her at a bar,” Bucky uncomfortably answered, swallowing a lump in his throat. _No more lying_. But a voice in the back of his head told him this wasn’t going to end well. She was going to make him leave. He was going to lose her.

“You say you don’t love her. You love me?” She asked, her voice finally breaking, her eyes shining with unshed tears. She fought so hard not to cry, her throat worked as she swallowed down her tears, her body stiffened at trying to control herself, to keep herself together. Bucky was in front of her in a stride. Kneeling down, he put his hands on her arms and stared deep into her eyes willing her to understand and to listen to him. 

“Yes, god, yes! Y/N, I love you. You’re the one I love. I swear, it’s always been you,” He said frantically, slightly shaking her, his eyes convincing her to take him back but she just stared back at him doubtfully, her brows furrowed. She shook her head as she backed away from him and stood up.

“No, Bucky. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have cheated on me.”

“ _Two months!_ ” She screamed exasperatedly as if finally understanding everything he’s told her. How could he have slept beside her and pretended everything was alright for two whole months while meeting up with another woman? How could he tell her he loved her when he had been lying to her face? It was as if a dam had broken loose inside her, all of her emotions spilling over.

“I can’t even look at you right now, Bucky. How can you do this to me? To us? To Lizzie? We’re your family.” She paced the room, her hand on her forehead as she tried to think back on all those times she tried to make it work. “You know, I don’t even know if I believe you! You’ve been way distant for longer, I doubt it’s only been for two months!”

“No, Y/N! I’m not lying about that, I swear! No more lies anymore. Y/N please… I’m sorry,” He pleaded, his voice becoming desperate. Did it even matter anymore that he wasn’t lying now? The point was that he still fucked up. And there was nothing he could do to make it right. He had no excuse, he was a selfish bastard.

She scoffed at that, her voice incredulous as she whirled back at him, “A little too late for that, don’t you think? What did you think, Bucky? That you’re the only one who makes sacrifices? I know starting a family was the least of priorities when we got married but we said we’d make it work. You promised, we’d make it work! I’ve stayed loyal to you throughout everything and this is how you treat me when you say you love me?”

“I’m sorry,” He hung his head knowing his words weren’t enough. He wished she would punch him, hurt him, do her worst to make herself feel better because she deserved that. God, she deserved better than that.

“Get out, Bucky. I don’t care where you stay, just please leave.” Her voice quivered, tears welling in her eyes. She tried to regain her composure but her traitorous tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Y/N, I… please just tell me what to do to fix this and I’ll do it. This is completely my fault. There’s no excuse, but please, just please give me another chance,” Bucky desperately tried to get near her again, to hold her close but she stepped back as if his touch would burn her. 

“For months, you’ve made me feel like I wasn’t enough and still I ran after you. What? You think I didn’t know? You come home late at night drunk and smelling like her perfume and you think I wouldn’t notice? All those times I waited up for you, cooked your favorite dinner, come by your office only to find you not there but still, stupid me, hoped you’d come to your senses and get back to me.” She laughed dryly at that, shaking her head at her foolishness but continued on, he needed to know how he made her feel. She wanted him to hurt as much as she was hurting.

“It’s too late, Bucky. I… god! Can you believe that, Buck? I knew all along but I ignored it ‘cause I knew I’d let it all go if you just stopped. You had me wrapped around your fingers, doing anything for your whim, following whatever you wanted and I lost myself in it! You’ve made me into such a fool and I can’t even blame you for it! I was so stupid for you. And that’s my fault. I deserve better, no more of this. You need to leave, I don’t care where you go. Stay in your office or go to _her_ house. I don’t care, just leave!”

Bucky stared at her, a lump painfully lodged in his throat as what she said dawned on him. Shame, guilt and regret punched him in the gut. He hated himself more than anything. He’d been such an asshole, the worst husband he could imagine. How could he have treated the only woman he’s ever loved like this? What kind of a sick monster was he?

“I’m sorry,” he says again, pathetic words he knew wouldn’t change a thing. He turned to leave, feeling her eyes boring into his back, hoping against all odds that she’d call him back. Once he reached the door, his hand lingered on the knob, there was one more thing he needed to ask, and he was afraid to even think about what she would say.

“Y/N…” he turned back to look at her, his eyes searching and pleading.

“What are we going to tell Lizzie?”

Y/N sighed, burying her face in her hands. She looked so small and defeated and all Bucky wanted to do was to run to her and envelope her in his arms, hug all her problems away. But he was the one who caused all of this and there was nothing he could do but to accept whatever she wanted to throw his way.

“I don’t know, Bucky. I don’t know,” her gaze drifted skyward, as if she could get her answers from there. She was confused, her bravado slipping. It was a different thing when she thought he hadn’t cared at all, that he was going to give them up for his mistress but he wanted to stay, he wanted to fight. And who was she to take her daughter’s father away from her? It wouldn’t be fair to Lizzie.

“I’m going to tell her you’re called for work and need to be away for awhile. At least, while she’s sick. I don’t want to stress her out more and then, we’ll give her the talk,” her eyes didn’t betray the warring emotions in her heart. She wanted him to see that she was determined. She wasn’t backing out, he was still leaving. _Period._

Bucky nodded, giving her a grateful, forlorn smile. She was the best mother he could’ve asked for his child. 

“Thank you, Y/N. I’ll grab my stuff tomorrow. I promise you won’t have to see me then. But baby, please, think about this. Don’t give up on us, give me another chance to prove myself, please,” he pleaded with her again, hoping if he gave her enough space she’d want to talk soon. She just stared at him, her eyebrows knitting. She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t even really know how these things went. 

“I’ll give you all the time you need, Y/N. But please just, please don’t give up on us,” he begged again, softly this time. His eyes conveying all the guilt and fear he felt and all Y/N could do was nod. What was she supposed to say anyway? Say “thank you” to the only decent thing he could do? She wanted to laugh at the irony of that. The best thing the man she loved could do for her was to leave her alone. What has her world come to?

“Bucky, wait,” she called out as he opened the door. Bucky looked back at her, his hopeful eyes scanning her face. Y/N felt shame and anger boiling in her veins, making her resolve stronger.

“Could you leave your keys once you get your stuff?” She asked coldly, keeping her voice strong. If he thought she was going to be easy, he was wrong.

“Of course,” Bucky assured her, willing to give her the world if she just asked him to.

“Take all the time you need. I… just know, I’ll always be here, waiting,” he said sincerely, humbly, laying his soul at her feet. He didn’t care if it took forever, _whatever it takes._


End file.
